Wednesday, 27 July 2011

What the frick is wrong with me??? 27-07-11

I woke up this morning with chronic tummy pain. This did not overly surprise me since I'd had the same experience yesterday. On Sunday G and I went down the road for a carvery lunch. I had forgotten that stuffing contained gluten, and tucked in happily. The good thing is that I enjoyed every mouthful of my lunch. The bad thing ... if I'm gluten intolerant then I just undid all the healing that would have been happening over the last few weeks. *If*. I figure, anyone who hasn't eaten gluten for weeks would probably react the same way after eating it again. We'll see at the end of the trial period.

So, I woke up, went to the bathroom, and was then so completely exhausted that I went straight back to sleep again. I woke up again a few hours later, but still felt drained, so read for a bit. Slept for a bit. Read for a bit. Slept again. Finally at just gone 3pm I felt awake and actually lucid, so I got out of bed. There was a letter waiting for me at the doctors that I was supposed to collect on Friday, so I went and collected it. I posted the corset to Nomi while I was out too.

Yesterday, Gand I had been talking about Counting Crows. I mentioned a song that he'd never heard of before. I decided to take the single with me in the car and listen to it. While I was out I had the bright idea to take the CD up to G. I thought it'd be nice to spend the evening with him. I looked at the time and realised that I'd get there a bit early. He finishes work at 5:30; I'd get there about 5.

I drove up there. Reached his place at 4:50, so decided I'd take the extra time to see what was further up the road (it heads out of the village; a direction I'd not been yet). So I drove for half an hour til the road ran out. Turned around. Headed back. It was gone 5:30 now, but he wasn't home yet. So I parked the car and went for a walk in the fields opposite his house. He texted me at just gone 6pm. I figured this meant he was leaving work. I sat on the hill overlooking his house to see when he got home. But he didn't. At 6:50 I finally phoned and asked him why he wasn't at home. He'd gone to the pub after work. He said he'd be home in half an hour. Since he'd not picked up on the fact that I was at his house I kept shtum and decided to head home instead .. forgetting that I'd already put the CD through his door.

I got home before him. He didn't notice the CD when he got home. So when he phoned me I was kind of skirting around trying to work out whether he realised I'd been there or not. I basically had to direct him to the CD. He was extremely touched that I'd driven up there, and then scolded me for not telling him I was there when I'd spoken to him at the pub. I could have gone and surprised him at the pub .. had I know where the pub was .. but I'm not exactly sparkly Nim today, and wouldn't want to meet his boss when I'm in this state.

I am very confused as to quite what is going on with me at the moment. 

First of all when I was at G's ten days ago I had all the signs of being on my period, including the weird mucous stuff (sorry for TMI), but no actual period. Whilst driving to his place this afternoon I had period pain all the way there. But not on the way back, and not this evening. 

Secondly, this whole gluten thing is tiring me out. I'm confused. I was so sure. Every time I ate something with gluten in it I was crashing immediately afterwards. Then I took a week where I eliminated gluten from my diet; I immediately started to have an appetite, all the weird cravings went away, and I stopped crashing after I ate. But since I've been on the elimination trial for longer I've started to become fatigued after eating again. G read that this can be normal, but I'm still doubting myself. And then I ate gluten at the weekend, and have very obviously reacted. And whilst I can say that anyone would probably react to it, I have to also acknowledge that I've immediately started having weird cravings and lost my appetite again. It's so confusing.

And finally, when I was walking in the fields opposite G's I went through so many different emotions. I was feeling fine. I felt like I was not ill. I felt strong, as if I had energy, I felt vibrant. And then I started thinking about how much I actually want to be with G; how I want my life to begin now, as if I've been waiting forever to be with him, and I started crying. And then I started feeling sad again, as I had been yesterday; questioning why every time I try to do something nice for myself it always goes wrong. It was as if my brain had decided to go through a role-call of emotions to check that they were all there.

No comments:

Post a comment