So, I went to see my doctor yesterday. It's the first time he's seen me so ill, as usually I cancel appointments rather than force myself out of the house. It's the first time he's actually seen me use the stick too. Usually I'm too embarrassed, but given how ill I am right now I figured I should be completely utterly honest with him. I didn't actually need to say anything; as soon as I walked into his office he knew. I'm not my usual bouncy, positive self at the moment. He knew the right words to express my wanting to end everything too. It alarmed me a little when he said that we have to hit rock bottom before we can go back up though; last time he said that I wasn't as bad as I am now ... so technically, things can get worse.
We talked about my visit to the rheumatologist. He isn't very happy with her recommendations. We're going to try the Amitriptyline, but only for a few days to start with. If it affects me like it did last time, we'll be stopping. He's prescribed the Tramadol as recommended too, but there was another drug she suggested which he has decided we should give a miss. He's not overly keen on the Tramadol either. I've not looked into it, but suspect this may be something to do with my wanting to fall asleep and never wake up again.
He was unhappy that she did not wish to discuss M.E. at all, but understood why she instructed me to not mention it to the physiotherapists when I'm finally referred. He has decided that despite the waiting lists, and the distance, he is going to refer me to the Nuneaton CFS Specialist unit. When I get my appointment I'll just have to beg someone to take me. He's going to see if I can go in privately to shorten my waiting time. And he's going to stay late on Friday to see me, because he wants to be sure I'm ok with the new medications. I'm allowed to stay with the practice for two further weeks after I've moved house. I will miss him.
I hate this. I hate that I am so ill that I have to question myself before being honest with anyone about how bad things are. It is second nature to play things up. When someone asks you how you are they expect you to say 'fine thank you'. If you respond with anything else you tend to receive a strange reaction. Well, I'm not ok. I desperately need help, and have no idea how to get it. So I had to be honest with him.
I made him a bird out of my snotty tissues. I think he was grateful.