Mortified :(

I'm so ashamed. I thought I was over anxiety attacks, but I nearly had a really really bad one this evening. I never know quite what is happening when having an attack. I don't actually lose consciousness, but do kind of lose awareness. I 'came to', wracked with sobs, teeth chattering, on my knees on the living room floor. My left arm has massive scratches down on it, and when I regained awareness I was just starting on my right. I can see massive scratch marks on the carpet from here .. and my right hand is hurting, so I think I must have hit something. I can't believe I've let this happen. I'm so so disappointed with myself :(

So why am I all worked up?

This morning I received the decision about my DLA application. They turned me down. I didn't really expect to get anything. I have never got anywhere with DLA applications. It's the fact that they used my ESA assessment as 'evidence' to turn me down that got to me.

I received the assessors notes on Friday. I have spent today going through them. It's taken me absolutely hours. I have cried my eyes out over it all day. I just cannot believe how these things work. The nurse that did my assessment should be sacked. She's lied. She's twisted things I've said. She's ignored things I've said. She's made assumptions, and contradicted herself in the report. I just don't know what to do. There is no way I'm ever going to win.

I've been wondering if it might be worth claiming JSA instead. Basically I'd be relying on getting a JSA advisor who could see I was ill and refer me back to ESA. Knowing my luck I'd just get thrown off JSA as well.

At the end of the day I'm aching so badly all over. Sure .. assessor woman, I don't have anxiety issues, and CFS doesn't affect me at all.

*sigh*