Monday, 1 August 2011

Sunday 31st July 2011

ADULT CONTENT: Only the last paragraph, which isn't particularly explicit anyway :)

I've spent the weekends at G's. It's been an emotional and confusing weekend.

On Thursday evening G made a comment on the phone that really upset me. He'd been drinking, and presumably had forgotten that the exact same comment had upset me before. He called me a typical Southerner. Don't get me wrong; I am in no way ashamed of being Southern. It upset me that he can use something integral about me as an insult, something I cannot change, and upsets me that he thinks being Southern is a bad thing to start with. He says it's just banter, but to me it is not, and he has to learn that. So I spent Friday feeling upset and hurt; obviously he was at work so I couldn't speak to him about it, and I wasn't sure whether he even wanted to see me after the way I spoke to him.

Then during the course of the day I spoke to my dad on the phone. A threefold upsetting phone call. First of all, he and my step mother were supposed to put a little money in my account. They had, but the amount they had put in was not the amount I had expected. I am struggling so extremely badly for money at the moment, and had eaten only an Angel Delight on Thursday, and nothing at all on Friday, because I'd basically run out of food. I was upset at what seemed like their trying to get away with giving me less money than had been agreed. Secondly, when speaking to my Dad it was apparent that he was somewhere extremely noisy as I was struggling to hear him. I asked him where he was; eventually he told me he was on a train. When I asked where he was going he kept changing the subject. They were on their way to my nieces birthday party. I don't expect to be invited; they live several hours away from me after all (and I can never remember when any of their birthdays are). But it upset me that my Dad was very obviously trying to hide it from me. I really don't understand why he, or my family, has the impression that I would make a fuss about something like that, as I have never ever done so. And finally, the most upsetting thing, is that my oldest brother Mark, and his wife Gill, are getting separated. They've been together since I was at least 7 years old. That's over 25 years. I am in shock. I could not fathom what had happened. They've always seemed the happiest, most well formed couple I've ever known. My mind was reeling.

So, when I got to G's, I was rather pensive. I was still a little upset at him, not sure how I was going to be received, and had the conversation with my Dad on my mind. I don't think I could have been much fun to spend the evening with. G went out to try and buy some chocolate, but the shop he went to was closed, so he was out for over an hour searching for chocolate (bless him). While he was out I had a panic attack; I tried very hard to fight it, but ended up scratching and biting my left hand quite badly. When he returned I cried on him and spoke with him about my Dad upsetting me. I think we then watched a film. If we did, I couldn't tell you what it was. I'm fairly certain we were sat on the settee though. He tends to sit. I lie with my head on his lap. I find it very hard to sit comfortably in a normal seated position; something he's been very accepting of thankfully.

Yesterday was a lot better. I've been a bit off over the whole weekend, worried about Mark and Gill. I have probably tired him out with my ponderings on the matter. His internet connection is still not up and running, so we went up to the garden centre to use their free wifi. It doesn't work. So then we went into Market Drayton with the intention of seeking the library, but ... I think we forgot! We bought some food from Asda, went home and had a barbecue. I had to lie down for over an hour, as I was feeling particularly poor.

I wish I understood why it is that I perk up later in the evening. It seems to be a fairly common CFS trait; being nocturnal. If G and I do live together in the future, I am really not sure how he will cope with that throughout the week. At the moment he is fine with it at the weekends. So, late last night we were playing a board game (Outburst), after going up to Audlem for a quick walk through the village.

Today I spent mostly in bed. G went to work to use the Internet, then he went to the shops. I didn't get up til 3pm this afternoon. While he was out I prepared my bags to return home. I discovered in doing so that he had locked me in the house. Being confined to a space is a significant panic trigger for me, so I had to fight another panic attack again. I found the key to the back door, went out and lay on the slabs, but there is no gate or path out of the back yard so the feeling of confinement is still apparent. When he returned I asked him to not lock me in anywhere again; apparently I was not particularly polite in doing so. 

We went up to a nursery near where he lives and bought a couple of plants and a planter thingy. He's very keen in turning his back yard (all 8' x 10' of it) into my fairy garden. He's stuck one of the fairies on top of the wall. The fairy couple we have put in a tub that was already there and planted a few Lobelia around it. In the planter we bought today we planted the rest of the Lobelia and some .... erm .. I can't remember what it's called. He's swept the slabs so that it looks a lot cleaner and pleasant out there than it did. It's starting to take on the character that he'd like it to. I wonder if he'll still sit out there of an evening when he finally quits smoking.

I went upstairs to rest again before coming home. But he decided to come and join me for 'relations', not to put too fine a point on it. Over the last few days I've noticed that he's been struggling a little with himself in relation to asserting dominance. That is to say, I've noticed that he's missing S&M play. I can feel it boiling within him. I have not mentioned it to him myself, but he's mentioned it a few times. Once or twice he's said that he misses the sadist in him. But he has also said that he is not sure whether it is still there when he is with me, and that he doesn't wish to hurry that part of our relationship if it is there; we still have a lot to learn about each other, and that learning is very important for that level of trust. I can feel his frustration so much that it's tangible at times though; this evening being one of those times. He was a little rougher with me than usual, which is fine by me. I can't help wondering though, how do play partners get to know each other as well as he suggests they need to without knowing each other and learning each other the way that we are?

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