Low Pogesterone

Have you got Fibro? One of my friend's doctor has just mentioned to her that she may actually have low progesterone, one of the female hormones. One of the symptoms is Fibro. Others include infertility, miscarriages, autoimmune disorders, etc. Have a look at the list of symptoms below. I have copied them from here. If you have alarm bells ringing, ask your doctor to be tested.

• Accelerated aging
• Allergy symptoms such as; asthma, hives, rashes, sinus congestion
• Arthritis
• Anxiety, nervousness and irrational fear (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Autoimmune disorders such as; Lupus erythematosis, thyroiditis and possibly Sjogren's disease
• Back-ache – particularly pre-menstrual back ache (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Bloating (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Blood clots during menstruation (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Breast cancer
• Breast tenderness (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Brittle nails
• Brown spots on the back of the hands
• Cervical dysplasia
• Cold hands and feet as a symptom of thyroid dysfunction
• Copper excess
• Constipation
• Cracked heels
• Cramps (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Cravings, binges and eating disorders (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Cystitis
• Dark rings under the eyes
• Decreased sex drive
• Depression, anxiety or agitation (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Dry eyes
• Early onset of menstruation
• Endometrial (uterine) cancer
• Fat gain, especially around the abdomen, hips, and thighs (commonly accepted, but unnecessary
• PMS symptoms)
• Fatigue
• Fibrocystic breasts
• Fibromyalgia
• Foggy thinking (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Gallbladder disease
• Hair loss
• Headaches
• Hot flushes and night sweats
• Hypoglycemia
• Increased blood clotting (increasing risk of strokes)
• Infertility
• Irregular menstrual periods
• Irritability (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Insomnia
• Low blood sugar
• Magnesium deficiency
• Memory loss
• Migraines
• Miscarriages
• Mood swings (commonly accepted, but unnecessary PMS symptoms)
• Osteoporosis
• Panic attacks
• PMS
• Polycystic ovaries
• Post-natal depression
• Pre-menopausal bone loss
• Prostate cancer
• Sluggish metabolism
• Thyroid dysfunction mimicking hypothyroidism
• Uterine cancer
• Uterine fibroids
• Vaginal dryness
• Varicose veins
• Weight gain
• Water retention

Rod Liddle's hateful article, and my reply.

My New Year's resolution for 2012 was to become disabled.

Nothing too serious, maybe just a bit of a bad back or one of those newly invented illnesses which make you a bit peaky for decades - fibromyalgia or M.E.

There's lots of money to be made from being disabled - your money - taxpayers' money, as it happens.

And it is far easier to be disabled these days than was ever the case.

Also, I am nothing if not a creature of fashion, a cool and with-it hipster, daddy-o who is always up to date with the latest trends.

And being disabled is incredibly fashionable. The number of people who claim to be disabled has double in the past ten years.

And who can blame them? Not only do you get money from the Government and don't have to go to work - but if you play your cards right you might get one of those badges which lets you park wherever you want. Right in front of the cashpoint for example. And you can use those enormous toilets with levers and handgrips and emergency buzzers they have in all public places, without feeling too guilty about it.

The latest figures regarding incapacity allowance came out this week. It is now estimated that 80 per cent of people who are claiming sickness benefit are actually fit to work. What's more, almost a million people have been on Invalidity Benefit for more than a decade.

When you suggest that this is a public scandal, the disabled charities get very cross and accuse you of victimising the infirm.

But I'm not. I'm victimising the people who are pretending to be infirm in order to claim money from the state.

Or at least I'm trying to. I don't suppose it will have much effect. Just water off their supposedly bad backs.

Then the Left-wingers will say - hang on a minute, you fat old fascist, more money is lost to the country as a result of tax avoidance by the very rich than is wasted through sickness benefits.

Well, maybe it is. And the Government should deal with that with a bit more vigour than they do right now.

But it still doesn't make fraudulently claiming sickness benefit OK, does it?

That's like saying we shouldn't get worked up about crime such as rape because murder is far worse.

It's a silly argument.

More than anything, though, the people fraudulently claiming sickness benefit are doing a disservice to those who really deserve it. The people who are truly disabled or ill. It has become easier to claim these benefits, partly as a consequence of the disablement charities who, out of their own self-interest, insist that an ever-greater proportion of the population is disabled.

I think we should all pretend to be disabled for a month or so, claim benefits and hope this persuades the authorities to sort out the mess.

Dear Rod Liddle,

Do, please, pretend to be disabled for a month or so. In particular, try and pretend you have M.E. or Fibromylagia. First of all you have to convince a doctor that you have such a condition. Your month is already gone. In fact, you've lost at least six months, in many people's cases it takes years before they actually know what it is that is wrong with them, crippling them with pain, leaving them in bed in a dark room, staring into nothingness every day because doing anything else is unbearable.

Assuming for the sake of argument that you miraculously get your diagnosis within that month, you then have the joy of applying for benefits. The first week you can claim statutory sick pay from work. Your doctor will then start signing you off work with 'fit notes'. Again, your month is gone, but again, for the sake of argument ... The fit notes come to the attention of the DWP, as they are paying your sick pay. They don't particularly like paying sick pay, so they send you out the ESA50. It's a form in which you explain exactly what is wrong with you, in minute humiliating detail. I think describing my bowel movements was probably my least favourite.

The ESA50 takes the DWP at least two months to process, if you're lucky. So AGAIN, you have lost your month. Extremely few people are accepted as being truly ill from the ESA50 alone, even if they have accompanying medical notes and letters from their GP and specialists. They are sent for a medical assessment with Atos Healthcare. Atos, unfortunately, are infamous for fabricating evidence, and having their assessments turned over on appeal. The medical assessments are extremely stressful. In most cases people become more ill because of the stress caused by this whole process, making them far less likely to be able to work any time soon; a catch 22 situation if you will. The usual result of this whole process is that each individual is placed in the 'Work Group ESA'. Very few make it through to the Support Group. Some are put back on Job Seekers Allowance. And for most, once they reach the Work Group, it is recognised by their support worker that they are indeed not fit for work, and told that there are no jobs available for anyone anyway, let alone the sick or disabled. For those put in the Work Group and Support Group, the whole process starts over again in three months time.

Are you actually aware of how much money people on sickness benefit are able to claim? Please follow me with the figures here. I was 22 when I became ill. I was earning £15,000pa, starting out in a marketing career. I would be earning £30,000+ by now. If I was claiming ESA at the moment I would be receiving approximately £90 a week on ESA. That amounts to £4680pa. Very very few people are also able to claim Disability Living Allowance. The middle rate DLA, for sake of argument, is approximately £50 per week. That is another £2600pa. The total per year is just over £7000. Please explain to me why people like myself, on a flourishing career path would choose to pretend to be ill, with a pay cut in my case of £7000 at the very least?

I would like to point out that I have both M.E. and FM, and do not receive any benefits. So therefore I would ask of you, why would I pretend to have these invented illnesses? Simply for the blue badge? I can promise you that I do not pretend to be in pain nearly constantly. I do not pretend that I frequently cannot stand up. I do not pretend to be constantly nauseous, or have headaches. I do not lie in a quiet, dark room for most of the day because I want to make people believe I am ill.

In regards to benefit fraud, are you aware that ESA and DLA fraud are actually the lowest forms of benefit fraud? The Invalidity Benefit and Incapacity Allowance to which you refer, do not even exist. Has it actually occurred to you that if disability statistics are rising, that it may actually be because the population is rising too? Given the inaccuracy of the rest of your article though, I am hesitant to believe that fact simply from your say so.

So yes, I would absolutely love to watch you be disabled for a month. I would like for you to be in pain, be unable to sit up for more than twenty minutes, let alone stand up, unable to cope with bright light or fluctuating sound, to constantly feel too sick to eat, to react to foods today that you did not react to yesterday .. you get the picture. I would also like to see you put away every single one of your mod cons, freeze your bank account, and actually try to live on the £67 a week you would receive as statutory sick pay for that month, paying for your rent / mortgage, all your bills, and your food on it.

Kind regards,

Not a fan.



[I am aware that my facts are not entirely correct regarding statutory sick pay. At the time of writing brain fog was attacking me and I couldn't make head nor tail of the governments website. The first weeks statutory sick pay is actually based on ones own salary. Given that this fella works for one of the top newspapers I am guessing that his sick pay would be higher than most of us can imagine. As such I am sticking with the £67 per week figure, as basic ESA, JSA, and assessment allowance are all this amount. So yes, I would like to see him survive on that.]

Why should we ... ?

I used to wonder whether M.E. was a hint from mother nature that the human race is pushing itself too hard. If you think about it, it makes sense.We do not live the way we were designed to live.

Humans were not designed to eat the way we eat. Time and time again I hear of people with M.E. developing sensitivities to gluten, lactose, sugars, colourings, or any number of ingredients in our food. None of these are naturally part of our diet. If you look at what you eat you will find synthetics in nearly everything. I went through a phase a couple of years ago where by my body would only accept rice, meat, and vegetables. I know many people with M.E. resort to trying The Stone Age Diet. 

Looking at a stone age world, we would have woken with the sun and gone to sleep with the sun. We'd have had no reason to be awake through the night. We would have rested through the middle of the day when the sun was at it's pinnacle also. Of course, we are all very familiar with the fact that people with M.E. sleep a lot more than the average person. It is not natural for us to be awake "all the hours God sends". 

And yet we are expected to wake up when it is still dark, push ourselves all day, push ourselves all evening, sometimes even all night, and survive on minimal sleep. Meanwhile we fill our bodies with foods that we are not designed to eat, putting added stress on systems that are already overworked and over tired. How often do you see a colleague having another cup of coffee, or drinking one of those hyped up caffeine drinks, just so that they can push themselves to the next deadline? How often do YOU feel guilty that you're not meeting targets, even if they're targets in your own head rather than targets set by corporate bullies? Are we designed to meet targets? I don't think so. I think the only targets we're really designed to meet are those of filling our stomachs, with a possible side order of reproduction. Possibly some fighting off bears involved too.

My theory falls down when you consider the fact that most people with M.E. tend to be asleep all day, and awake all night. I let go of the theory when I started reading about the possible virus connections. I was reminded of it yesterday though when a friend of mine received a letter from Atos Healthcare. She has M.E.. She also has a number of phobias. She stated to them that she cannot use public transport, and cannot use the phone. They have assigned her a medical assessment in a borough that is not her nearest, given her an itinerary of public transport that includes buses, trains, and trams, and told her to phone them if she has a problem. It made me angry. If she fails to attend the assessment, she loses the very little money she lives on (she is claiming a lot less benefits than she could be), yet if she either attends or phones them to say she cannot attend it will be assumed that she has lied about something on her form ... and she will lose her benefit.

I do understand how society works. Some people don't work, so the rest of the people have to support them. The more people who don't work, the harder it is for those who support them to get by, as more and more of their income is going in support. There has to be balance. So, yes, I understand why the DWP and Atos Healthcare try to push us to work. But sometimes I just want to shout at them. What they are doing to us is not natural. It just bugs me so much that they work so hard to try and force everyone in to such an unnatural way of life. I'm ignoring the bullying tactics at the moment, their attempt at entrapment. I'm wishing that there were options in life for those who simply cannot live the way that society expects, to be accepted and willingly supported.

Parents suck!

I am sure that many of you are reading the title of my blog post and disagreeing with me. Please trust me when I say that I have been dealt a really bad hand in parents; I have managed to get four of them in my lifetime, and they're all back stabbers. If you yourself have M.E., you've probably dealt with family members who don't believe you are ill. That's all four of my parents. This however, is not what my gripe is about today. Today's complaint is not relevant to M.E. at all in fact. I do apologise.

I am a web designer. I use the term loosely though, as I am certainly not up to date, and have no qualifications. I love to dabble, and I love to create sites for people.

My mother is an artist. About eight years ago I created for her, a website. I have kept it updated ever since. A few years ago she asked me if I could do a website for her art group too. They have an open day each year, where they open their homes .. or 'studios' .. and the public can go and look at their art work (or case the house to come back and rob it later). From doing the art group website, I picked up two further clients, and made each of them a simple web page. 

My mother paid a little towards her hosting the first two years. I didn't mind that she wasn't paying. I enjoy doing it, and feel awkward charging for my work. The two artists from the group pay me £10 an hour, when I remember to charge them. The art group the first year, paid me £5 per artist. My mother kindly increased this to £10 per artist the following years.

Last year though, something strange happened. First of all, the payment went back down to £5 per artist, so the money I received did not cover the cost of the hosting. Normally I would not have minded .. however ... Secondly, they changed the website from being a simple map and list of venues, to becoming a directory of the artists with full contact details, etc. My mother claims it has always been that way. It has not; I would not have to have done all the extra work of adding the information in if it had been! In order to 'prove me wrong' she and my father dug out emails from the first year I did the art group website for them, to find the one in which I suggested payment of £5 per artist. That was the end of the discussion according to them. It was of no concern to them that they left me out of pocket and my nose out of joint. I felt completely used, but saw no point in arguing. I know what they're like after all.

So, a few of months down the line I have moved house. In my new place I cannot get the internet connected. It's complicated, so I'll not go into it. One of the artists asked me to update his website during this period, so I had the sad experience of telling him I was unable to, and him deciding to learn to do it himself. (Every web designers worry; clients finding out how easy web design is).

I'm checking my email, and using the Internet periodically at my boyfriends house. I had a strange email from my Dad saying that they're being harassed about websites. Then I had a text message from him saying the same thing. He wouldn't, and won't elaborate though. The art group website should not need updating for six months. My mother hasn't asked me to update her website for months, if a year. The one artist I've already dealt with, as explained above. So I emailed the other artist, and she's fine; she wants me to maintain her website, and had no idea there were any problems. So, when my Dad emailed again telling me he was taking all four websites off my hands I was somewhat perplexed. 

It is strange that he is dealing with this. He has never been involved with the web side of things before at all. This sent my spidey senses tingling, and took my mind back to an incident that happened in November when I visited them with a friend. I had an absolutely fantastic week with her, but never blogged it because of how much my parents upset me. We went to see them for lunch one day, and they laid in to me within minutes of walking in the door, and then my mother did so again later on. She tried to humiliate me in front of one of my best friends, something she has done my entire life, and I stood up to her for the first time ever. I have subsequently been ignored at Christmas and New Year, so my suspicion has been that she has decided to ostracise me from the family, and taking the websites away from me is the last way of "sticking it to me".

At least, that is what I thought until I spoke to my sister this morning. I asked her if I'd spoken to her about the problems with our parents. Apparently I hadn't, which surprised me somewhat. So I then asked her if they had spoken to her about it. I'm glad I asked that rather than launching into a bitching session. It seems they have indeed spoken to her, that I didn't update my mothers website for an exhibition that she was doing.

So, I checked my emails. I've been through my inbox with a fine tooth comb, and through my web folders with equal attention. She has not emailed me about updating the website for the exhibition at all. Suddenly it becomes clear. My mother thought she had asked me to make changes, but had not sent me instructions, or pictures, to do so. She probably got her knickers in a knot about it, bad-mouthing me to my Dad as she so often does, only for him to check the emails and find that she hadn't actually asked me to do anything. This would explain why his email cryptically said that he would not discuss who said what to whom. They already both had their panties in a twist over what happened in November (which is obviously my fault by default), so decided to use it as an excuse to take away my toys.

I am disappointed in my parents behaviour. I don't understand why they couldn't just be straight with me. If it is to do with the exhibition then I really am going to be upset, as I was very excited to see the work my mother was preparing for it, and would have updated the website happily for her. I could have done that before I moved house without a problem! If this has all stemmed from what happened in November, then ... well, I've had enough, to be honest ... a life time of pathetic childish behaviour from the people who are supposed to love and support you is not what anyone needs. Of course, unless I confront them, I am not going to know what the real problem is. And I really do not like confronting people.

Into 2012 Without Care or Cure

A beautifully written blog article by Llewellyn King. Click title for link. Extracts below.

"Wanted: A high-energy, high-profile celebrity to do for ME/CFS what Elizabeth Taylor did for AIDS, what Jerry Lewis did for muscular dystrophy, and what Michael J. Fox is doing for Parkinson’s: raising concern, raising money and banishing stigma. Fox has raised $264 million for Parkinson’s. By contrast, the Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome Association targeted raising just $2 million for research last year."

"There is no known route to infection, no diagnoses and no cure. Research has been scattered and funded grudgingly at such low levels that Dr. Fred Volinsky of Boston has calculated annual federal funding for ME/CFS at only $1.25 per patient compared to $400 for multiple sclerosis."

*sigh*

ADULT CONTENT: About relationships and me pulling my hair out over the last couple of weeks.

So, what happens when you're in love with two people, but don't realise? One heck of a mess is what! I am still in the middle of this mess, but this is how things are at the moment.

At about this time last year I signed up to a website called Plenty Of Fish. It was shortly after Ian had decided he wanted a divorce, and I was feeling isolated, lonely, and panicked living where I do, so I was trying to find friends online. The only place I could actually find, that was not for sex hookups was that dating website, which has the option to seek friends. It's a horrible site. Despite spelling out in extreme detail that you only wish to find friends, you get a lot of guys coming on to you, or having a go at you for being on a dating website when you don't want to date, and I even had people have a go at me for being ill!!!!

Anyway, I made three friends on the site. T, C, and K. K is innocent in all of this, so we'll ignore him. I hated the site with a vengeance. C was the only person I was still talking to after a month or so, so when his profile vanished, I deleted my account. I was hurt. I thought we'd been getting on well and he'd just vanished without saying goodbye or anything. A couple of months down the line I had a message from him on a forum I belong to. I was shocked, delighted and confused all at the same time. He had my website, but he hadn't wanted to phone me to contact me, so using my website he'd found another way to contact me. So, we resumed a friendship on MSN.

Meanwhile, T and I became very good friends. We've talked pretty much every day for the last year. He's helped me with various things, including moving house. And I hope I've helped him with stuff too. He's been going through a nasty divorce, which has made me want to wrap him in cotton wool for months.

When G and I split up, my relationship with C became that of what people refer to as 'friends with benefits'. I don't like the term, and we didn't refer to it thus between ourselves. I was confused as to what he wanted, until he said to me that he didn't want a relationship. Having said that however, we then had an even more confusing conversation about babies. I didn't understand whether the entire conversation was a joke to him, or whether there was an element of seriousness to it. Various things he said and did thereafter lead me to believe that he most certainly was not interested in me in any kind of romantic way, so I retreated a little feeling hurt and rejected.

Meanwhile T and I were seeing more of each other. It was coincidence really. A lot of things happened in sequence that we had just happened to have planned to do together. We realised that we were enjoying each others company a huge amount. Things we'd have normally hated doing we were enjoying together. So, taking my heart in my hands I told him that I liked him a lot more than just friends. He reciprocated. There followed one of the most enjoyable weeks I can remember.

I thought it would be the adult and proper thing to do, to tell C that I was now with someone. In my mind I figured he'd be fine about it since he was not interested in a relationship with me. I was a little anxious however. So, since I have no internet access at home, I was sat at T's on my laptop, when I told C that I was seeing someone. And from that moment on, all hell broke loose.

From C's perspective: he had been giving me space. He wanted me to move in to my new place, see that I was capable of standing on my own two feet, and gain some confidence. He didn't know there was anyone else on the horizon, so didn't think he needed to rush any relationship. Meanwhile he was aware that I may well be pregnant with his sprog. So, when I told him that I was seeing someone he was shocked. His initial reaction was actually to say to me that if I tested positive to being pregnant, to please not go through with it (with a sad faced emoticon). Then he said that it'd be the end of our friendship. He said that my being with someone else would eliminate a huge dynamic of our friendship. He was referring to the flirty conversations and sex I presume.

T's reaction to C declaring his feelings was to say that if being with him was the wrong thing for me then he'd back away. I wanted to be with him though. C's reaction had completely taken me aback, so I was still in the comfort zone with T, but at the same time extremely shocked. I didn't know what to do. I wanted someone to come and sort out the horrible mess for me. I did not sleep at all Sunday night. 

I actually do not remember Monday, but know I did not sleep that night either. Tuesday was C's birthday. He'd wanted to take me out for dinner. T made the point that if I went out for dinner with C that I'd have a lovely wonderful evening with him, enjoying his company in a relaxed yummy environment, that would make my decision for me. C actually agrees with him. This kind of suggests to me that they both think I'm rather shallow. It also indicates how fast they were expecting me to make this decision. At that point I had no intention of making the decision within a short time frame. T and I had plans to visit a friend of mine at the weekend. I had been presuming that that would still happen, and would help me in my decision making process. 

As it happened I could not have gone anywhere with C on his birthday anyway. The stress from the two of them caused me a migraine, FM pain throughout my entire body, and I had the worst period pain I've had since I miscarried a few years ago. I was in so much pain that moving my fingers to text was agony, let alone the brightness of my phones screen ... yet there was no way I could not reply to them, as doing so would cause even further problems.

Wednesday morning T texted me asking if I would like him to take the afternoon off work. I had an appointment with my osteopath. Because I was in so much FM pain I was planning to ask him to give me acupuncture, which I then expected to leave me in a lot more pain before making all the pain miraculously vanish. I had explained this to C, as he'd asked me the day before, if I may go out that evening with him instead. So I explained it to T also. He said he wanted to be there for me in the good times and the bad times.

I was actually not in pain after the acupuncture, so I suggested to T that we go for a late lunch. And then I dragged him to Pets At Home because I considered it important to cuddle animals.

My new place is really weird. It has a hot air heating system. I have been sat for a month in my living room freezing my butt off whilst this thing expensively blows luke warm air at me. A little over a week ago I suddenly realised that for some reason all the warmth is being shot out of it backwards into my bedroom. So I started doing everything in there instead of the living room. So, when C or T came over, we would sit in my bedroom. This perhaps was not so wise in retrospect.

T and I were sat on my bed with the cat. I was stroking the cat affectionately, and said to T "I love my cat, can I keep her?". I then burst out crying. T of course was completely befuzzled by this. So I had to then start explaining that C had said to me the previous evening "Can I keep you?", and that saying such to the cat reminded me of C when I was not expecting it, catching me off guard, and thus causing a tear explosion.

As I was explaining this to T, a text arrived. T said it might be C. I said I knew it was and didn't need to check. Something I've not explained previously in my blog, because it has not previously been relevant, is that I am empathic. C also is empathic. Empathy generally means that you can understand what someone else is feeling. Being empathic means you can actually pick up on someone else's feelings in a kind of psychic manner. It causes me big problems to be honest. So, I didn't check the text because I knew it was from C without having to do so.

T became upset at this. He knew I was empathic, but he had not actually seen it like this. He was upset that C and I have such a link, that C could pick up on the fact I was crying and text me, and that I knew it was him without checking. He spiralled in distress telling me that I should be with C, as he and I would never have that kind of a connection. "It's C, Olana, it's always been C. It's so obvious that it's C!" They are quite possibly some of the most gut wrenching words I'll ever hear. 

For someone you love and care for to be in such distress in front of you, saying words that are very obviously pushing you in the direction of someone else whom you also love and care for ... . I cannot express the anguish inside of me. I have never ever been in the position where no matter what I do I will hurt someone, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it.

As far as my memory serves T then turned to me and said "I'm hot. Take my trousers off!". I'm still rather confused over this. I didn't know how to take it, or what to feel, etc, so I did take them off. I then had a panic attack at him, throughout which I really can't remember much at all. As I was regaining awareness my phone rang. It was C. I was relieved when I saw his name on my screen, but he was phoning to tell me that my behaviour had been utterly despicable that day, so he was making my decision for me, removing himself from the equation, leaving me with T.

I broke down again, sobbing on my bed. T told me to call C back and ask him to come back to the house. He had heard a car roar away outside. I didn't want to call him back. As far as I am concerned people do not say things that they do not mean; he told me he was gone, I assumed he was gone and that a call from me would either be ignored or greeted with abuse. A few minutes later however, C phoned me back himself. I can't remember what he actually said, but I asked him to come back to the house. I told T to get dressed and basically pushed him out of the frontdoor while I sought my own clothes out.

C phoned a few minutes later asking if T had gone. I said he had. He told me that T was sat in his car at the end of my road. He had driven past T rather than turn down my road as he did not want T to know who he was. I started walking up the road to see whether it was T sat at the end of my road. As I did so I saw his car drive over the bridge and across the top of the road. I sat on a bollard at the end of the road and waited. He came back up the road again, turned into a side road, sat and stared at me. I waved. He roared his engine and drove away.

I found it alarming, as did C. I could not fathom why T was sat on my road after he had gone. I figured it was because he wanted to see who C was. He has subsequently told me that he wanted to make sure C actually got there, because I had been in such a state when he left. I believe him. C, however does not.

The result of all this rather teenager-esque activity is that I now have a boyfriend in C, and have had to ask T for space. I need to distance myself from him so that I can stop having such extreme feelings towards him. It is absolutely heart breaking to have to force myself to eliminate someone I love from my life, even if only for a short period of time. C doesn't trust him at all, and is hoping he will disappear forever. This is not my hope. I am hoping we can rebuild the friendship. I have a rather long journey of building trust with both of them again ahead of me.

Quick apology

Just in case anyone is wondering why my blog is not being updated I thought I should explain that I have not got internet access at home at the moment.

I moved house on November 5th, fully expecting to have internet sorted out within a few days. Yes, I am about to badmouth some big companies. Sorry big companies. If you don't like being badmouthed, then sort your act out!!!!

I signed up to Sky shortly after moving in. They successfully moved the phone line over to me. I awaited my broadband modem, and paper work, but it didn't come. So after a couple of weeks I phoned them. I was told that I needed to provide them with a MAC code. A MAC code is needed if you are closing an account with BT, and want the line to be moved over to Sky; the code tags the BT tag off the line (or something like that). So I set my landlord about getting the MAC code, since it had previously been his line etc.

So, a MAC code is needed when you move YOUR line from one provider to the other ... NOT when your landlord is moving his account to another part of the country, and you are starting up an entirely new account. BT should have removed the tags from the line at the same time as moving my landlords account away from the property. Did they do that? Of course not!

I spelt out in extreme detail to both BT and Sky what being offline would mean to me. I told them I am disabled, and that I have to do my shopping online. Without internet access I do not have food. They nodded and smiled and promised me it'd be sorted out within a week. They lied.

As it stands, BT are telling Sky that I have an account with them, that it is in the name that Sky have for me on their books ... an interesting coincidence, given that Sky spelt my name wrong ... and that I have had the account with BT since November 2006. In order for BT to remove the tags from the line I have to phone them and close my account. However, when I phone them to close the account they will not communicate with me because I do not have the account number, the security details and do not even know the number for the line from which I am phoning them.

So, BT will not take the tag off the line. Sky therefore cannot start my line up for me. And now I have been there nearly two months. My contract is for six months. I've had so many problems with the place that there is no way I am going to stay there after my contract is over. So, unless I can find a service that will do me three or four months of internet I'm just not going to be online for the foreseeable future.

Dammit!!!