With great sadness ...

ADULT CONTENT: Well, sort of .. not really ... but if you don't like any hint at sex and relationships, you'd probably better not read this post.

I've not posted for a while. There is a good reason for this. This was supposed to be a happy post announcing that I am pregnant, and discussing the possible implications of being pregnant with M.E.. So yeah .. I'm pregnant! I think I am about 15 weeks now, but I keep getting confused; the due date is supposedly September 10th, so perhaps someone can work it out from that!?!

However, I have also found myself single, and homeless. So, I am absolutely terrified. I will post about what happened with my flat another time; I need to wait for that to go through court before I can actually say anything publicly anyway. As such, this post is more about what has happened than about my baby, or being pregnant, or M.E., or letting agents who take the Michael. This post is about what to not put up with in relationships.

I am aware that I have painted a fairly rosie picture of C. And everything I have previously said, still stands. He was caring for me, he fed me, watered me, took me out in the wheelchair. He was pretty good at that part. However, there are a few other sides to him which I have not written about, mostly because:

a) he reads my blog and 

b) he blows everything out of proportions.

I am exhausted, so I am cheating with this post. I am writing it in bits, hoping that piecing it together will make sense. So, first of all, let me describe the house to you:

It's a timber framed dorma bungalow; that means it was a bungalow that with a converted roof space, and is made from wood. It looks small from the outside, but it is actually an eleven roomed house, having at least five bedrooms. However, anyone walking past it would think it was derelict. The windows at the front are broken, duct taped together, and the drive has three dead cars parked on it, a mattress by the front door, and the garden hasn't been tended to for years. The hallway is quite grand, and he had painted it; though he had painted one side one colour, and the other another colour, which gave a very unbalanced feeling.

The only other room I saw the first few months I was with him was the extremely large living room. He kept telling me he knew it needed decorating. We started doing so in December, before I had a really bad M.E. relapse. It has only just been finished now.

When I started staying there, we slept in one of the downstairs bedrooms, which he also told me he knew needed decorating, and it really really did. My naive assumption was that the reason he was saying this about these two rooms, was because he had sorted out the other rooms already. As I got to know the house it became apparent that this wasn't the case, he had actually done very little.

I was warned about going in some of the rooms 'because they were a mess'. The back bedroom had been 'the rabbit room'; the room in which he had been breeding rabbits. When I looked I found that the room still had wooden pens in it, and smelt of earth, and faeces. The living room, which I was used to, smelt of cat urine (he used to have eight un-house-trained cats). A few weeks ago I had to go in to the middle downstairs bedroom seeking something of mine he had apparently placed in there by mistake. I couldn't get the door open. I've never seen anything like it.

The bedroom that we were using had the wallpaper coming away from the walls. I was a bit worried that it may have mould in there, especially since I was coughing more and more the longer I stayed there. Then he did something in the living room which resulted in him releasing mould spores throughout the entire ground floor. This meant I was only able to stay in the upstairs rooms. Upstairs was only half renovated, with bits of walls missing and doors not attached properly, and two of the rooms were full of junk too.

The house, for me, apart from the fact that I was reacting badly to the mould, was not really the problem. Unfortunately, I believe that C currently thinks the house is the problem, but I'll get back to that later. The problem for me was his obsessive, paranoid, aggressive behaviour. For most of the duration of my relationship with C I believed this stemmed from what happened at the beginning of December. (You can read this post here). However, as time progressed, as I thought over how things were before December, and as I pieced together things since leaving, I realised that these are his core behaviour features. I did not cause them, they were already there:

He started off by stalking T online. He found his Twitter, watched his Facebook, found his blog, followed him on various forums, coming home every day telling me new things he'd found out about T, and making them sound as sinister as he could (he'd tried to tell me that T had cheated on me during the one week T and I were together). He kept going back over what had happened with T, bringing it up for discussion every day. He would sit on the side of the bed and let out a deep sigh; this deep sigh was always the indicator for me that a discussion about T was about to come, so I started dreading it. I asked him to stop, and he kept promising that he would, but he didn't. He actually got worse. He was stalking me; reading and re-reading my blog posts over and over. He watched every single thing I did on Facebook (probably still does) ... coming home from work to ask me why I'd said something to someone on Facebook, and telling me what I had liked etc. There is an app you can download for your phone to chat with people, "Whatsap", it shows when you were last logged in to talk to someone. He started watching it to see when I was logged on, assuming I was talking to T on it (which I was some of the time). He took my phone, went all through my texts, all through all my photos, and then had a go at me for some of the photos I'd taken with T before C and I were together. He picked up on every single thing I said, making them mean completely different things than I was saying, reading in to absolutely everything. We would have a conversation, then he would go away to do such and such a task, and come back half an hour later to 'talk to me about what I'd said'. The most innocent thing became guilty without charge.

It became apparent that he considered my week with T to be an affair. That he had decided that he (C) and I were having a relationship from the end of October onwards. He told me he didn't trust me.

He is a huge drama queen; exagerating things for the biggest affect he can, and I'm gullible, so for months I always believed the stories he told, exactly as he told them. In the last few months I have repeated things back to him that he told me long ago, and been told point blank that I am LYING and I am WRONG. He started accusing me of hiding things from him a few weeks ago; told me that I was looking for somewhere else to live. This was three days before his father was coming down to help us move all of my stuff into his house from my flat.

I have been at the end of my tether for a long time. The problem is that I felt trapped. Various friends have told me that I should get out, and the sooner the better, but I didn't know where to go, or what to do, let alone how to do it. My motto has always been to give people the benefit of the doubt. So this is what I was doing. C kept telling me that he had changed, and these things would never happen again, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. On the occasions when I expressed my frustrations I was told that I was unreasonable for judging him. There are so many instances I could give as examples of his behaviour, but it was Saturday a week ago that was the complete last straw for me.

T took me to a hospital appointment on the Friday. C had said that he was ok with him doing so. (C had said for a while that he was completely over everything to do with T). Friday evening he picked a fight about something (I can't remember what). Later on he told me that he had arranged for his mother to come down on the Saturday, saying that if I was too tired, they would do something without me; I was under the impression that they would be going out somewhere. Saturday morning, he picked another fight with me, and as usual it turned into an argument about things that happened at the beginning of December. In the middle of the argument he screamed at me 'RIGHT, when my mother gets here, THIS STOPS'. Suddenly I realised the ulterior motive for her visit. I told him point blank there that I did not want to go through with him and his mother, what he kept putting me through every day; that if he made me sit and talk to both of them it would have consequences.

He obviously ignored this. I was exhausted because of going to hospital. The bed on which I was situated at C's is in the corner of the room. Next to it is the computer. His mother sat on the end of the bed, and C the other side of the computer. I was trapped. C went over absolutely everything, but manipulating everything he could to make himself sound like a victim. His mother, thankfully, isn't as stupid as he expects her to be; she could see that most of this is due to his behaviour, and told him a number of times that he needs to stop being an idiot. She said the same things to him that I have said frequently, but apparently when I say them I am venomous. I apologise if my view of myself is incorrect, but one thing I am fairly certain I am not, is venomous. He then tried to blackmail me in front of his mother by threatening to tell her about my 'sordid' sexual exploits with G.

His mother unfortunately came in to the house with a slightly different motive to C I believe, so things got a bit messed up. When his Dad had helped me move in to the house he had gone away horrified at the state it was in. Assumably not only because C has lived there 5 years and he could see very little improvement, but also because of the thought of a baby being brought in to it. The first thing his mother said to me when she arrived was "this house is a big white elephant!" Her motive was to encourage C to do it up to the basic minimum, and sell it. She seemed to believe that all the problems C is experiencing at the moment are due to this elephant. I disagree in a very large way. The majority of the problems come from the fact that he is a big drama queen. From what he has told me of his life before the house, this has always been the case; racing cars in the manner he did and does are indicative of this, as is the manner in which he likes to show off his musical prowess. One of the big problems for me in the relationship is that he idolised me. He placed me on a pedestal and expected me to be the princess. He told me who and what I am on various occasions, though he could not see this for himself. I do not believe that I am the first girlfriend he has done this to. I also do not believe I am the first to have run away from him because of it.

His mother also said to him numerous times that less is more. She was referring to how much he smothers me, trapping me in the house, making it impossible for me to breath or think. Unfortunately C took this to the extreme straight away. Being bed-bound, for the last few months, he has made sure I had food and water in the bedroom, so that I can at least have lunch while he's at work. I usually have two slices of toast with a tin of mackerel. On that Monday following his mothers visit, he left absolutely nothing. I was therefore not only forced to go all the way downstairs, which was exhausting, but also to enter the kitchen which reeked of dog urine and faeces. I held my breath long enough to fill up a bottle with water. There are three freezers in his house; I had no idea which one he kept the bread in, and had no spoons left to try and work it out, and I could not find the fish either. So I went hungry. Less is not more, if less means starvation. I couldn't believe how stupid he was. When he came home that evening his first comment was "I suppose I'll get it in the neck for not leaving you lunch too?", so he knew exactly what he'd done, and had done so to try and prompt a reaction from me. You would have thought that after several months he would have learnt that any attempts to prompt reactions from me are always ignored.

Before I continue, I would like to say, in reference to the discussion with his mother, that the way he tried to portray me was disgusting. He said very venomously to me, in front of his mother, "I have to go and stand in front of this man, knowing all of your sordid sexual exploits with him, and ask him for money like a pauper!" He was referring to collecting money from G for me, because G owes me a lot of money. C has always said to me that he has no problems regarding G at all, that his only problems had been with T. The first time he and I went to collect money from G I made sure that C was comfortable doing so. The sordid sexual exploits he refers to are a post I have now removed from my blog, because I knew he was re-reading it. He is fully aware that the incident he is referring to is an incident in which I felt violated, so to use it as a weapon against me is despicable. It was and is his choice to enter a website that gives an adult content warning before you can read the blog. It was and is his choice to then read a post that states clearly at the top that it contains adult content. It was and is his choice to read and re-read the same posts. And of course, it was him who came to me to ask me about the post, and extract further details. As far as I am aware that is the only 'sexual exploit' I have discussed with him regarding G, since C and I started a relationship. If he was so uncomfortable talking to G, then why, when he last went to see him, did he discuss in great detail with G the details of herpes, the location, the description, of what G had suffered? He manipulated the truth, the facts, to make himself look like a victim to his mother, and painted me as the evil girlfriend. The thing that is particularly disturbing about all of this, is that after the six hours of discussion were over he turned to his mother and said he was going to marry me. If he really finds me so distasteful, why would he aspire to such a delusion?

And so, I left last Tuesday. I grabbed a few things that I considered to be important, though I could not find in that mess of a house most of what I had wanted to take, got in my car and left. I didn't know where I was going, or what I was doing. I just knew that I needed to get out of there. That evening, unsurprisingly, C texted me a number of times. He also got his Dad to text me. He messaged one of my close friends a number of times asking her where I was and what to do. When he told her his Dad had texted me she was livid, telling him he should not give out my number. He lied to her saying that I'd given his Dad my number. I did not, but as it happens, it is useful to now have it. She told him to stop messaging me. He obviously translated this to mean 'do not send her text messages', and so the following day I checked Facebook to find an essay from him:

Dear Olana,

I just want to say sorry.

The way I have behaved has been terrible. I can't believe how I have been to you.

Since Saturday, I've been living each day one at a time. I viewed each day you stayed here as a positive. All I could do was to try my best to give you space and not crowd you, respect you, listen to you and try to get on top of the jobs around the house, one at a time, so as to support you. The front room came first - my attempt to give you somewhere more homely to go and spend time. The landing banisters were coming second - my attempt to make you feel much safer up there and to try and make the place feel, again, that bit more homely. I also put your clothes in your wardrobe in the hope that, again, it made you feel a bit happier that things were around you, not in bags down stairs. Small steps I know but I hoped they were steps in the right direction. I was doing what I could, since Saturday, to try and at least make things more comfortable for you. You did see me getting jobs done to try and help you feel happier in the house - I know this place is so depressing. I am hoping dad and I next week can get quite a few jobs done which should help brighten things up here a lot more, which hopefully will make the place feel much less depressing and more warm and homely.

Unfortunately, my chances had, very understandably, run out. I only had those two days, Sunday and Monday, for you to see the change in me and I wasn't around for much of either of those days what with the going out on Sunday and work - I really had snapped out of it though, literally. Suddenly I could feel again, I could see and feel how much you were hurting and all of what I had done. I felt dispicable, I knew it was all my fault. I really have "seen the light" here and I realise what I've done. It took a huge kicking from both you and my mum for me to see it, which again is something I am so sorry for. I'm sorry I didn't tell you this in person, which I feel I should have. I wasn't sure how to without it stressing you out... and a passing "sorry" was never going to convey just how much I have realised and how much I am sorry for.

Having snapped out of that horrible place I fell into since December. I really have woken up here. So many times you tried to tell me I was stressed / stressing, you tried to tell me so many things - I am so sorry I didn't listen to you. I needed a serious kick but I just wish it hadn't taken that kicking on Saturday to make me see everything and realise. I can't believe what an inconsiderate selfish idiot I was for so long.

I know I've hurt and broken you and that your note reads very much as a "final" but there's one thing more I wanted to write to you.

To come home and find you not here last night... I was devastated. I understand why you had to and I feel absolutely terrible for having driven you away. I am so, so sorry.

You not being here is so upsetting. I miss you so much. I kept hearing the pets playing last night and it sounds very much like when you are typing on your keyboard... which had me bursting into tears, wishing you were here. Coming home tonight I was dreading - walking into a house that feels so empty without you here, knowing all I've done. I miss you so much :(

I love you Olana, with all my heart. You are the only lady I've ever wanted to have a child with and it's happening - that is something I am ever so happy about. You are the most fantastic lady I have ever met. I'm so ashamed of how I've behaved. I can't say sorry enough for all I've put you through.

With all my love,

From your, very sorry, C.

The message in itself sums up the problems. It's as if he thinks I'm a doll, and building the dolls house around me will solve things; unfortunately the conversation with his mother a few days previously compounded this view. Despite what he says, I did not see him getting jobs done. I was confined to bed, upstairs, so of course, could not see what he was doing downstairs. It is of little significance really, but the clothes he put in the wardrobe were not my usual clothes. I didn't recognise some of them, and when I came to try and find clothes on the day I left I couldn't find my usual clothes anywhere.

I actually do not think the house is depressing. I think it is either a renovation project or needs demolition. I believe that if it was in the US it would have been condemned years ago. They are more used to timber framed houses though. I was excited about the prospect of building something out of that tomb, until it made me ill, anyway. It is simply because his mother does not like the house that he has assumed I do not.

He says he had 'snapped out of it'. He 'really had'! The problem is that I have heard that so many times. Of course, by saying now that I have heard it before, I am judging him. A no win situation.

The hardest bit for me to swallow from his message though, is that he considers the discussion with his mother to have been him getting a kicking. He set it up! He knew how tired I would be, and yet he trapped me in to that situation. He was throwing accusations at me for six hours! He was manipulating facts and events to make me look like a very unpleasant person. He took an event he knew was traumatic to me and used it to sully my character. And he attacked the core of who and what I am. For him to not see any of that, and to think that the situation he engineered to have a go at me, was actually bad for him when his mother did nothing but show him love, I believe he is delusional.

His mother asked me several times during the six hour discussion whether I thought I was an angel, that I thought I was blameless. My answer, very honestly, was "no". As most people who know me are aware, I tend to blame myself for everything. If I was not blaming myself for how things were, there is no chance I would have been there. In retrospect now though I am looking at the last few months and asking myself exactly how the blame lay on me. I admit, I am ill, frequently bed-bound, which makes it very difficult to have a normal relationship, going out and enjoying life, with me. I cannot say that I did not snap at C at times. The only thing I believe I am completely guilty of is not being a mind reader; not knowing that C wanted a relationship months before he actually admitted to it, and therefore falling in love with someone else. If indeed, he did. Everything I've been accused of is due to his lack of communication prior to December, or simply not true. Perhaps, months down the line I will look back again, and see where I was actually at fault.

I am not going to pretend that this is an unbiased account. Obviously, it is my account of what has happened to me, and as such virtually impossible for me to be impartial. I am currently very angry towards C, and unlikely to be able to see the wood for the trees for a long time.

So, in conclusion, at the moment I find myself homeless, and pregnant. At a time in my life when I should be celebrating what will be happening in September, learning about babies and how to care for them, I am actually terrified for my future. I don't know if I'll be able to support myself, let alone a child. I don't know where I'll live, or who with. I don't know whether Social Services will even let me keep the child with my health the way it is.

Please be happy for my baby that  it will be entering the world. It needs some people to be happy for it.

*sigh*

ADULT CONTENT: About relationships and me pulling my hair out over the last couple of weeks.

So, what happens when you're in love with two people, but don't realise? One heck of a mess is what! I am still in the middle of this mess, but this is how things are at the moment.

At about this time last year I signed up to a website called Plenty Of Fish. It was shortly after Ian had decided he wanted a divorce, and I was feeling isolated, lonely, and panicked living where I do, so I was trying to find friends online. The only place I could actually find, that was not for sex hookups was that dating website, which has the option to seek friends. It's a horrible site. Despite spelling out in extreme detail that you only wish to find friends, you get a lot of guys coming on to you, or having a go at you for being on a dating website when you don't want to date, and I even had people have a go at me for being ill!!!!

Anyway, I made three friends on the site. T, C, and K. K is innocent in all of this, so we'll ignore him. I hated the site with a vengeance. C was the only person I was still talking to after a month or so, so when his profile vanished, I deleted my account. I was hurt. I thought we'd been getting on well and he'd just vanished without saying goodbye or anything. A couple of months down the line I had a message from him on a forum I belong to. I was shocked, delighted and confused all at the same time. He had my website, but he hadn't wanted to phone me to contact me, so using my website he'd found another way to contact me. So, we resumed a friendship on MSN.

Meanwhile, T and I became very good friends. We've talked pretty much every day for the last year. He's helped me with various things, including moving house. And I hope I've helped him with stuff too. He's been going through a nasty divorce, which has made me want to wrap him in cotton wool for months.

When G and I split up, my relationship with C became that of what people refer to as 'friends with benefits'. I don't like the term, and we didn't refer to it thus between ourselves. I was confused as to what he wanted, until he said to me that he didn't want a relationship. Having said that however, we then had an even more confusing conversation about babies. I didn't understand whether the entire conversation was a joke to him, or whether there was an element of seriousness to it. Various things he said and did thereafter lead me to believe that he most certainly was not interested in me in any kind of romantic way, so I retreated a little feeling hurt and rejected.

Meanwhile T and I were seeing more of each other. It was coincidence really. A lot of things happened in sequence that we had just happened to have planned to do together. We realised that we were enjoying each others company a huge amount. Things we'd have normally hated doing we were enjoying together. So, taking my heart in my hands I told him that I liked him a lot more than just friends. He reciprocated. There followed one of the most enjoyable weeks I can remember.

I thought it would be the adult and proper thing to do, to tell C that I was now with someone. In my mind I figured he'd be fine about it since he was not interested in a relationship with me. I was a little anxious however. So, since I have no internet access at home, I was sat at T's on my laptop, when I told C that I was seeing someone. And from that moment on, all hell broke loose.

From C's perspective: he had been giving me space. He wanted me to move in to my new place, see that I was capable of standing on my own two feet, and gain some confidence. He didn't know there was anyone else on the horizon, so didn't think he needed to rush any relationship. Meanwhile he was aware that I may well be pregnant with his sprog. So, when I told him that I was seeing someone he was shocked. His initial reaction was actually to say to me that if I tested positive to being pregnant, to please not go through with it (with a sad faced emoticon). Then he said that it'd be the end of our friendship. He said that my being with someone else would eliminate a huge dynamic of our friendship. He was referring to the flirty conversations and sex I presume.

T's reaction to C declaring his feelings was to say that if being with him was the wrong thing for me then he'd back away. I wanted to be with him though. C's reaction had completely taken me aback, so I was still in the comfort zone with T, but at the same time extremely shocked. I didn't know what to do. I wanted someone to come and sort out the horrible mess for me. I did not sleep at all Sunday night. 

I actually do not remember Monday, but know I did not sleep that night either. Tuesday was C's birthday. He'd wanted to take me out for dinner. T made the point that if I went out for dinner with C that I'd have a lovely wonderful evening with him, enjoying his company in a relaxed yummy environment, that would make my decision for me. C actually agrees with him. This kind of suggests to me that they both think I'm rather shallow. It also indicates how fast they were expecting me to make this decision. At that point I had no intention of making the decision within a short time frame. T and I had plans to visit a friend of mine at the weekend. I had been presuming that that would still happen, and would help me in my decision making process. 

As it happened I could not have gone anywhere with C on his birthday anyway. The stress from the two of them caused me a migraine, FM pain throughout my entire body, and I had the worst period pain I've had since I miscarried a few years ago. I was in so much pain that moving my fingers to text was agony, let alone the brightness of my phones screen ... yet there was no way I could not reply to them, as doing so would cause even further problems.

Wednesday morning T texted me asking if I would like him to take the afternoon off work. I had an appointment with my osteopath. Because I was in so much FM pain I was planning to ask him to give me acupuncture, which I then expected to leave me in a lot more pain before making all the pain miraculously vanish. I had explained this to C, as he'd asked me the day before, if I may go out that evening with him instead. So I explained it to T also. He said he wanted to be there for me in the good times and the bad times.

I was actually not in pain after the acupuncture, so I suggested to T that we go for a late lunch. And then I dragged him to Pets At Home because I considered it important to cuddle animals.

My new place is really weird. It has a hot air heating system. I have been sat for a month in my living room freezing my butt off whilst this thing expensively blows luke warm air at me. A little over a week ago I suddenly realised that for some reason all the warmth is being shot out of it backwards into my bedroom. So I started doing everything in there instead of the living room. So, when C or T came over, we would sit in my bedroom. This perhaps was not so wise in retrospect.

T and I were sat on my bed with the cat. I was stroking the cat affectionately, and said to T "I love my cat, can I keep her?". I then burst out crying. T of course was completely befuzzled by this. So I had to then start explaining that C had said to me the previous evening "Can I keep you?", and that saying such to the cat reminded me of C when I was not expecting it, catching me off guard, and thus causing a tear explosion.

As I was explaining this to T, a text arrived. T said it might be C. I said I knew it was and didn't need to check. Something I've not explained previously in my blog, because it has not previously been relevant, is that I am empathic. C also is empathic. Empathy generally means that you can understand what someone else is feeling. Being empathic means you can actually pick up on someone else's feelings in a kind of psychic manner. It causes me big problems to be honest. So, I didn't check the text because I knew it was from C without having to do so.

T became upset at this. He knew I was empathic, but he had not actually seen it like this. He was upset that C and I have such a link, that C could pick up on the fact I was crying and text me, and that I knew it was him without checking. He spiralled in distress telling me that I should be with C, as he and I would never have that kind of a connection. "It's C, Olana, it's always been C. It's so obvious that it's C!" They are quite possibly some of the most gut wrenching words I'll ever hear. 

For someone you love and care for to be in such distress in front of you, saying words that are very obviously pushing you in the direction of someone else whom you also love and care for ... . I cannot express the anguish inside of me. I have never ever been in the position where no matter what I do I will hurt someone, and there is absolutely nothing I can do to prevent it.

As far as my memory serves T then turned to me and said "I'm hot. Take my trousers off!". I'm still rather confused over this. I didn't know how to take it, or what to feel, etc, so I did take them off. I then had a panic attack at him, throughout which I really can't remember much at all. As I was regaining awareness my phone rang. It was C. I was relieved when I saw his name on my screen, but he was phoning to tell me that my behaviour had been utterly despicable that day, so he was making my decision for me, removing himself from the equation, leaving me with T.

I broke down again, sobbing on my bed. T told me to call C back and ask him to come back to the house. He had heard a car roar away outside. I didn't want to call him back. As far as I am concerned people do not say things that they do not mean; he told me he was gone, I assumed he was gone and that a call from me would either be ignored or greeted with abuse. A few minutes later however, C phoned me back himself. I can't remember what he actually said, but I asked him to come back to the house. I told T to get dressed and basically pushed him out of the frontdoor while I sought my own clothes out.

C phoned a few minutes later asking if T had gone. I said he had. He told me that T was sat in his car at the end of my road. He had driven past T rather than turn down my road as he did not want T to know who he was. I started walking up the road to see whether it was T sat at the end of my road. As I did so I saw his car drive over the bridge and across the top of the road. I sat on a bollard at the end of the road and waited. He came back up the road again, turned into a side road, sat and stared at me. I waved. He roared his engine and drove away.

I found it alarming, as did C. I could not fathom why T was sat on my road after he had gone. I figured it was because he wanted to see who C was. He has subsequently told me that he wanted to make sure C actually got there, because I had been in such a state when he left. I believe him. C, however does not.

The result of all this rather teenager-esque activity is that I now have a boyfriend in C, and have had to ask T for space. I need to distance myself from him so that I can stop having such extreme feelings towards him. It is absolutely heart breaking to have to force myself to eliminate someone I love from my life, even if only for a short period of time. C doesn't trust him at all, and is hoping he will disappear forever. This is not my hope. I am hoping we can rebuild the friendship. I have a rather long journey of building trust with both of them again ahead of me.